Category: Self-Love

A Love Letter in the Time of a Pandemic

This is a love letter from you to you, from me to me, during difficult times. Print it out, fill it out, and post it on your bedroom or bathroom mirror.

It’s been a while since I checked in with you, and vice versa. The pandemic became the center of our lives and a major distraction. So much has changed in our outer world that may be affecting our inner world. Depression. Anxiety. Grief. Walking on eggshells. Fatigue, both mentally and physically. Confusion. We’ve suffered tough losses, some that may be painfully fresh. You may have lost someone or multiple people.

Click here to keep reading and download the whole love letter in a time of a pandemic for free in PDF form.

A Love Letter in the Time of a Pandemic

Overcoming Loneliness: Ways to Stay Balanced and Optimistic About the Future

Since the beginning of the pandemic, there have been numerous studies and conversations surrounding the epidemic of loneliness. Even before covid, people were becoming increasingly isolated due to social media, technology, cellphones (texting instead of talking), depression, grief, and other reasons.

Post-pandemic, a lot of people are really feeling the struggle when it comes to being alone almost all the time, including those who have found no other choice than to quarantine and avoid meeting up with others. Experts have revealed that loneliness could have numerous effects on people, including physical and mental health issues, if this lifestyle isn’t managed properly.

We can forge better relationships with friends and family so that we increase the possibilities of having meaningful social interactions now and in the future. At the same time, unfortunately, we can’t force people to spend more time with us to “cure” our loneliness. But we can learn how to get more comfortable with being alone and enjoying our own company over time. Here are a few tips for how we can overcome feelings of loneliness and sadness, and think more optimistically for the future.

Maintain High Standards for Yourself

I talk about this in my book Sing While You’re Single. No matter how low, alone, or sad you may feel, strive to maintain a certain standard for yourself (personal hygiene and looks) and the place where you live (keeping it tidy, organized, and smelling good). Even if it’s just brushing and flossing your teeth meticulously each day or wiping down your kitchen counter so that it gleams. Just do it, it’s for you. You might feel lonely every now and again, but at least you can look good and feel good in your home—make it your Oasis.

Be Good to the Good People You Still Have in Your Life

Nearly a decade ago I was angry and resentful of pretty much everyone in my life because I felt that they abandoned me in my time of need.

Well, you know what? I had to get over that because it was making me increasingly isolated and even more angry at life and people. That approach wasn’t working. So, I began to study Universal principles and listen to motivational speakers and authors. It calmed me and gave me some sense of hope. I worked on myself and forgave whoever I thought wronged me. Truth be told, most people do not care if you are mad at them. Some don’t even know. There is no point hanging onto negative feelings about others—instead, focus on the decent people you know or encounter and build better relationships with them.

Be About Your Business

It is difficult to feel lonely, unhappy, and caught up in negative thoughts when you are busy with something that you are passionate about. Get busy doing something that you love, whether it is working on a plan to generate extra income, studying your craft to become a high-end expert, or working on your artwork.

Remember though: everything in moderation. Avoid becoming a workaholic to the point where you lose yourself or get distracted from other aspects of living well, such as preparing healthy meals, getting exercise, and staying in touch with loved ones.

Continue to Actively Participate in the World

Feelings of loneliness are exacerbated when you start to isolate yourself in your home and not actively participate in the world. Make efforts to go outside as much as possible and stay active. You can take a walk in a park with an ice-cold Snapple or smoothie, go to a shopping center even just to window shop, or just go outside your house and have a short conversation with a neighbor.

Just make every effort to go outside and interact with the world in some way. Breathe in the fresh air. Regular exercise outdoors is renewing and invigorating. See if there may be an outdoor fitness class you can join that allows for proper social distancing or find a quiet, safe place where you can practice yoga stretches.

Recognize When You’re Talking to Your Higher Power

When you feel like you may be talking to yourself, it might really be that you’re talking to your Higher Power, a guardian angel, or maybe a loved one who passed. I don’t think you are really alone if you believe that. Deep down you know that someone who cares about you is listening. Be comforted by that when you are feeling lonely.

It Takes Time to Get Used to Being with Yourself

It can take months or years before you finally become comfortable with just being alone with yourself, whether it’s at home cooking, going to an outdoor restaurant by yourself for a special meal, or just going for a walk on the beach. But there’s a good chance that you might learn to like it: the peace of not having to entertain other people’s personalities or proclivities and just do whatever YOU want.

Sometimes when I am with others, I look forward to getting back to my solitude, peace, and calm. I love myself, I like myself, and I enjoy spending time alone. But that took time.

Despite a number of personal tragedies that were out of my control, I am still optimistic that things can get better. You may be able to relate. This “epidemic of loneliness” does not have to become our new normal. I believe that we can return to having stronger connections with others while also being safe and responsible. We take things day by day, step by step, show genuine care for ourselves and our loved ones, and focus on positive thoughts for the future.

Love Lynn

Learning to Relax ……..

Sometimes I have to pause for a moment and think, “why the heck am I rushing right now?” I designed my life so that I work from home and set my own schedule, but still I find myself constantly feeling as if I’m under some kind of pressure to do everything and do it fast.

Oftentimes I have three or four things going on at any one time, which is why I often feel overwhelmed. What I’ve found us that the things to do don’t stop until I choose to stop doing them. Sometimes I have to force myself to just RELAX.

We Learn How to Worry and Live in a Continuing State of Tension from a Young Age…

When you’re in first grade, you’re taught that if you don’t draw inside the lines there may be a problem.

By the time you’re in sixth grade you’re taught that if you don’t have a group of friends there’s a problem.

By the time you’re in 10th grade you’re told that if you don’t fill out 50 college applications your future is in jeopardy.

When you’re a high school senior you’re pressured to find a prom date or else you’ll miss a once in a lifetime chance.

In college you’re pressured to be the best at everything and compete with your peers fiercely.

At your first job you’re expected to work your way up the corporate ladder.

And women, let’s not even talk about the pressure of being 29 years old and not married or not even having a boyfriend (“girl, your biological clock is ticking!”).

It’s clear that an inability to truly relax is built into many of us over the course of many years. When you’ve been taught so long to stress, worry and be concerned about every little thing that’s going on in your world, it seems almost impossible to just enjoy the present.

Relaxing Starts in Your Mind
The real reason why so many people find it so difficult to relax is that they haven’t mastered how to relax their minds. No matter how comfortable your body may be in a seat, if your mind is active and stressed you can’t get the rest that you truly need.

Here’s an example. I’m going to give you a simple command:

Sit down and relax every muscle in your body, from your toes to your forehead. Relax them completely.

A moment ago you probably didn’t even realize that there were parts of your body that were on “alert” either flexing or tensing. But when something told your mind to relax, you actually did.

Try this at night when you’re trying to fall asleep quickly and think of a place where you’d like to be. You may be surprised by how quickly you drift off into a nice dream.

Set Aside 1 Hour Each Day Just for You
When your schedule is full of things to do, including work projects, chores and daily routines, it’s essential that you take at least an hour each day to truly relax. Set aside a clear cut block of time in your day to do exactly what makes you happy, whether it’s a power nap, watching your favorite program or taking a walk in the mall. Be unapologetic about this time that’s just for you.

As I say in my new book YOU MATTER, you do not have to answer every time that you’re called. So turn off your phone ringer. Put on some soothing music. Take this time to reflect and let ideas in. Relaxation has healing properties and can give you extra energy to finish your day strong.

Relaxation Is Healing
Here comes a cliche that I think we all take for granted from time to time: “stop and smell the roses.” You don’t have to run and gun every moment of your day. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. You matter.

Love Lynn

Lynn is the author of several motivational books, including You Matter: 11 Ways that You Matter Even When the Worlds Seems to Tell You Otherwise.

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Watching TV Is an Escape… and a Potential Trap – Here’s Why #LoveLynn

I read a post recently that said you spend 12 years getting a basic education, four years in college and then the rest of your life working hard to pay bills.

When you put it like that life sounds pretty depressing doesn’t it? But the fact of the matter is that people *choose* this as their life — it doesn’t have to be that way.

Some people do what they love for the rest of their life. Some people choose to live an extremely modest life so that they can pursue their art instead of working at a job. Some people work 10 years then retire and travel the world. They all made a different decision.

Is Too Much TV Zapping the Life Out of Your Goals?
One of my mentors in my head, Zig Ziglar, said that one of the reasons why many people aren’t successful is that they spend too much time watching television. I had to take a look at my own schedule and admit that he was absolutely right. Whenever I turn on the TV, it’s like the hours fly by and I’ve barely gotten anything done. When I turn it off, I get so much work done.

Here’s an important question to ask yourself this week — how many hours per day do you spend watching television?

Television is a mental escape for many people. It allows them to take a temporary vacation from real life and visit the lives of others. Except in most cases those others are simply actors playing a role (not real). Even though we know they are actors, we often shape our lives and our thoughts based on what we see daily on television and in the media. That’s why I say it’s a potential trap, because in addition to losing time, you could lose yourself in the images you’re watching.

Watching TV vs Sleeping
I have a theory that the time you spend watching TV would probably be better spent sleeping. That’s because when you watch TV you’re in a sort of a mental sleep anyway, except that you are exposed to so many messages from the outer world that could be negatively affecting your life.

When you watch TV you are exposing yourself to the mindset and opinions of the writers of the show you’re watching. In many ways they shape public opinion and also how you perceive the world. That’s why it’s so important to evaluate what you allow yourself and your children to watch.

When you watch TV you also expose yourself to commercials that influence your behavior. How many times have you seen a fast food commercial on television and hours later or the next day you’re going through the drive thru, breaking your diet goals.

So I would say that sleeping for the same amount of hours per day that you watch TV would be preferable. Why? Because when you sleep you are regenerating your cells, rejuvenating your body, dreaming and exposing yourself to your own mind. It’s a chance to get in touch with your thoughts and possibly become inspired to do something really special with your life. Maybe you’ll even come up with an idea that will allow you to have a much better life story then just going to school for 16 years and working at a job you don’t really like for the rest of your life.

Not all TV is bad. Some programs and movies inspire and educate. But unfortunately the majority are solely designed to entertain and get the biggest audience so that money will be made. They aren’t written with your best interest in mind.

An Even Better Choice
Truth be told, neither sleeping nor watching television is the best use of those precious hours if you want to avoid a humdrum existence. I believe those hours are best spent working on your talent, trying new things, meeting new like-minded people and discovering your purpose. I don’t think our Higher Power intended for us to use them watching other people “live” in television, or just sleeping the day away.

A Different Perspective
This post is not meant to be judgmental — it’s meant to give you a different perspective on your day and on how you choose to design your life. If you’re not satisfied with the idea of working hard at a job until you can’t work anymore, then it’s up to you to change that narrative. It starts with making better use of the precious hours you’re given — the sooner the better.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a book of life and love advice for women entitled Why Doesn’t He Love Me? and a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

How Do I Deal with Being Alone During the Holidays? (Question from “Why Doesn’t He Love Me?”)

Here is a snippet of a question answered from my forthcoming book “Why Doesn’t He Love Me? (And More Questions We Women Torture Ourselves Over).” Hopefully the answer gives you some peace this holiday season.

Love Lynn

Question: How Do I Deal with Being Alone During the Holidays?

The major holidays (Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s) can be the most depressing times of the year when you’re single. It seems as if everyone you know is with their significant others or enjoying fun times with their families.

So how do you deal with being alone and lonely during the holidays?

Surround yourself with the things that you love!

They say that light is the only cure for darkness, so if you’re preparing for a holiday alone, fill your life and space with things that you absolutely love. Not just like…LOVE.

For example, I LOVE to have what I call a “seafood fest” from time to time. I buy crab legs, jumbo shrimp, flounder, potatoes and all of the extras. I am so involved in the process of buying and cooking my seafood that I completely forget anything else going on in my life at the moment.

I also LOVE to watch French movies with subtitles. They completely hold my attention (no distractions from social media) and I’m almost always inspired in some way. So I might find several French movies on Netflix and line them up for watching during the holidays.

I also LOVE a good massage, so I might schedule some time to go to the mall or a spa to have a 10 or 20 minutes massage by a professional early in the day. Then I’ll have my nails done. This gives me a good feeling that lasts all day long.

List a minimum of three things that you absolutely LOVE to do, and treat yourself to those things during the holidays. If money is an issue, explore the free things about life that can bring a smile to your face, like playing in the snow outside—who said you have to be a kid to make a snow angel? Maybe you’ll decide to volunteer to help someone else in need because you know that will give you a good feeling.

There’s one last thing to remember—avoid all negative media during the holidays that might make you feel insufficient at this time of year. Turn off the TV and spend some time with yourself.

When you approach the holiday season with a positive outlook, you may even be inspired to reach out to someone you care about and spend some time with them—even if it’s someone you’ve had a disagreement with in the past. Open your heart and open your mind…

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive? and a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU. Her new book Why Doesn’t He Love Me? is due for release in early 2015.

Women, If You Could Have 2 Questions Answered About Life…

I am in the process of writing a new book on the questions that we women torture ourselves with throughout our lives.

My question to you: if you could have 2 questions answered about your life (as a woman) what would those 2 questions be?

Submit your response below — your question may be featured in the book!

Thank you in advance for your thoughtful response.
Love Lynn

Out of 250 Million Sperm …

Whenever I’m feeling a bit unsure or confused about life I like to think about the fact that out of 250 million sperm I was the chosen one. This is true for every human being on the planet — in other words, WE MADE IT.

To fully understand how important this point is, let’s have a quick biology lesson about how fetuses form.

During the process of conception, approximately 250 million sperm are competing to fertilize an egg. For a sperm to succeed at this goal it has to overcome a number of challenges:

– The acidic environment of the vagina kills some off quickly before they can reach the cervix.

– They have to navigate their way to the egg’s location without GPS. Some of them wander off in the wrong direction

– They’re swimming in competition with millions of other sperm with the same goal.

– The egg has to actually be there when it arrives (ovulation). If the sperm gets there too early or too late, it’s a no go.

– There are two Fallopian tubes — if the sperm gets to the wrong one, well that’s that.

– If the egg is there the sperm has to be the FIRST to push its head into the resilient exterior of the egg. Hundreds of other strong sperm are trying to do the same thing.

– Once the sperm does make it inside, it has to still be energetic enough to activate its cells with the egg’s and create a person.

That sperm is me. That sperm is you. That sperm is a fighter and a winner.

We are not mistakes. We are not losers by any stretch of the imagination. Our outer environment (the media, peers, family members, teachers) may tell us that we are “not enough” in one way or another, but it’s just a lie.

We were put here for a reason. Each of us came here to do something amazing. Why the heck else would our “stock” (the sperm we were formed from) be so strong and resilient in the face of so much adversity?

So keep that “250 million” thought handy whenever you’re feeling insecure or unsure about yourself. Keep it handy whenever you’re feeling worthless or useless. Keep it handy when you’re wondering what your purpose is here and if you even have a purpose.

You beat out 250 million other living entities and came out on top. That means you and I are really special and powerful, so I think it’s time we start acting like it.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive? and a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

What Causes Depression (My Theory)

For the most part, doctors and experts are confused about what causes depression in people. Some believe it is something that is hereditary while others believe it comes from external factors, like environmental pollution and poor diet.

Here’s one other theory — the theory that I personally believe.

I believe that depression comes from having a “song” unsung inside of you. A song that’s desperately trying to get out into the world, but you suppress it time and time again.

By song I mean anything that would make your heart sing. That might be writing something special, creating something, growing something, learning something, pursuing a certain career or just speaking your mind.

A lot of people bottle up resentment for others instead of letting it out. Those poisonous feelings grow inside and can create a physical imbalance.

Some people are depressed because they never told that ONE person who hurt them deeply exactly how they feel.

Maybe you feel that someone or a group of someone’s has wronged you in some way, but you don’t have the courage to tell them about themselves.

Maybe you want to try something brand new in your life (like write music, write a story, be a fashionista or sky dive from a plane), but you don’t because you lack confidence or someone is telling you that you can’t.

Watching celebrities and other people on TV “live their dreams” while you are not can unknowingly be a major source of depression.

My Bouts with Depression
I believe the bouts of depression I experienced in my life came from a number of situations where I left my “songs unsung” so to speak:

– allowing myself to be teased as a young child and not standing up for myself more

– showing unrequited love and support to family members / friends who thought it was fine to treat me a certain way (and not expressing my true feelings about it to them)

– a failed business venture early in my life that left me feeling devastated, useless and stupid

– allowing men to come into and out of my life, using me up, without telling them exactly how much they hurt me

All of these experiences and more allowed years of pain, anger, resentment and guilt to build up within me until the bubble finally “popped” and it came out in an unhealthy way. To overcome severe depression I had to recognize the source of the issue and release it to God. And yes, in some cases I had to tell a few people off, which felt great. Why spare the feelings of an insensitive person who has wronged you at the expense of your own health and wellness ?

I do believe that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, but I don’t think it is something that’s *inherent* in you — it’s something that happens over time as you internalize negativity.

You shouldn’t put up with nonsense and negativity in your life.

Can you relate to any of this? If so, take a moment to write down the various people, situations and experiences that may have lead you to suffer from depression. It could help you to identify the source of the problem so that you can work on releasing it.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive? and a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

How to Be the Center of Your Own Universe

I was raised by older women who selflessly gave of themselves. Many of them gave up their happiness, dreams and in many cases their peace of mind for the sake of helping other people. Basically they came last in their own lives.

Some people will call this admirable, but I disagree. I think we’re meant to care about and help others when we can but not to the point where it robs from our own life force.

Women tend to give so much of themselves to the point where they lose themselves — they lose their identities. Later on in life, they look back at their years spent focused on sacrificing themselves to find that there’s nothing really to show for playing the role of a “martyr.” There are countless divorced women who sacrificed their careers and aspirations for marriage and kids only to find themselves struggling alone and unappreciated later on in life.

On what planet and in what universe is that fair? All of us are important and all of us deserve the pursuit of personal happiness and fulfillment.

Unfortunately, for much of my life I followed in the footsteps of this learned tradition, selflessly giving of myself to help others. It’s not until something life-changing happened to me that I realized no one else I knew would stick their neck out for me the way that I was willing to do for them.

And you know what, that was probably smart of them. They probably had a lot on their minds at the time as well.

I believe that each of us should be the center of our own Universe. We shouldn’t feel obligated to give so much of ourselves that it hurts. If we do for others it should be because we genuinely want to — not out of a sense of obligation.

 

So instead of holding into resentment toward people who won’t sacrifice for you, I think it’s so much more useful to turn the situation around and look at yourself. Here are a few tips for how to make yourself the center of your own Universe so that you can be happy and at peace with yourself and your decisions.

1) Take 15-20 minutes right now to answer this question “what do I need right now?” What do you need for yourself right now that will give you a boost? Write it down point by point. For example:

– I need to take better care of my health / workout
– I need to take myself out for a nice dinner
– I need to save up money to reach an important goal (no more lending — my money is my money)
– I need a vacation / getaway
– I need a massage / spa day
– I need new clothes or a new pair of comfortable shoes
– I need to quietly read a book on my lunch break (instead of listening to my co-worker go on and on about her relationship for an hour)

Now prioritize checking off this list over anything else that is going on in your life. You’ll find that as you check those things off you start to feel more important and alive. For you to help anyone else you need to be okay first.

2) Don’t ever give an immediate answer to a favor request from someone. Tell the person that you’ll think about it and get back to them at a later time. If they try to pressure you for an immediate answer, say no.

3) Before agreeing to do something for another person, ask yourself “would this put an unnecessary strain on ME?” Yes me, because ME matters. “Can I afford to do this and still be okay?” Also, “would this person do the same for me?” One of the keys to a healthy relationship with another person is reciprocity.

4) Understand that your opinion of yourself is the only one that really matters in the grand scheme of things. If someone doesn’t like you because you said no, that’s 100% their problem!

5) Start living your life from the inside out instead of from the outside in. What does that mean? Do you ever feel like you’re observing your life, actions, decisions and conversations as a third party observer? That you’re constantly thinking about what that other person is thinking about you? That you’re behaving the way you believe THEY would want you to behave? Think about it.

Be confident in who you are as an individual. Instead of looking at your life from the outside views of others, look at you from WITHIN. Are YOU happy with how you’re living? What do you think about yourself? This is where self-love comes from.

6) Be perfectly imperfect and proud of it. A lot of us are striving for perfection, which can never be achieved. Not to mention, one person’s idea of perfection differs from another’s. Understand that your imperfections are perfectly okay. Embrace them and cherish them — they’re part of you.

If you feel lost or drained by life, it’s probably because you’re not putting yourself first. Implement these tips for how to become the center of your own Universe starting today.

YOU MATTER.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive? and a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.

Behind Every Successful Woman Is…

They say that behind every successful man is a good woman. If you look at the vast majority of successful men, there is almost always a good woman they’re married to who helped them achieve great things in life. Smart men get married to the right women.

But what about successful women? We don’t always have a good supportive husband or boyfriend to provide the same positive influence in our lives when we want to reach higher heights. Yet and still there are loads of ambitious and successful single women out there. So who or what do we have behind us when we achieve great things? Here are a few possible answers:

A strong belief, faith and commitment to God. When I scan social media the majority of faithful followers who constantly Thank God for supporting them are women. They have no shame in talking about how God took them through a hard time and are often involved in some type of business enterprise. Whether they have a husband behind them or not, these women continue to achieve.

Our hard working mothers. When you see your mother working hard and persevering for countless years, it becomes ingrained in your psyche. Single, successful women almost always have a supportive mother in their corner.

Children as motivators. One of my favorite people in the world Lisa Nichols often speaks about how her son was a major motivation for her to succeed at life and make more money. She is now a millionairess. Children are often a strong support and motivation for single mothers who strive to achieve.

Our real friends. If you have a real friend who cares about you and is there for you even in the hardest times, you have to hold on tight. These friends (our truest girlfriends) stand with us and help us achieve great things. Now I’m not talking about your acquaintances or “party friends” (the ones who only call when they need a partner to party) — I’m talking about the friend who calls you to see how you’re doing “just because” and is the first person to buy/promote what you’re selling when you start a business.

Other woman entrepreneurs. A lot of women think that other women are their enemies due to the way that they are taught from a young age (don’t trust women). But if you get a mentor or join a women’s network of fellow entrepreneurs you may find a much different reality — positive and encouraging women who want nothing more than for another woman to succeed.

Our inner strength and drive. Ever since I was young, I always crunched my nose up at the idea that women were “the weaker sex.” We may not be as physically strong as men, but I believe that we are stronger in the ways that really matter. We dig deep to do the things that no one wants to do, like raise kids alone, care for our family members in need (it’s estimated that up to 75 percent of caregivers are women), juggle multiple tasks and remain resilient even in the face of adversity. Even if a woman doesn’t have anyone in her corner, she can call on this inner strength and drive to keep doing whatever’s necessary to succeed in life.

While having a life partner in your corner to help support you in your dreams is awesome, it’s not necessary for you to be successful. As women we may not always have a strong man behind us to help us succeed, but we do have other sources to tap into for support and encouragement.

Keep moving forward.

Love Lynn

Lynn Gilliard is a writer and transformational blogger. She is the author of a self-help guide entitled Survive, Live or Thrive? and a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU.